Week 501 // Nothing Wiser Than the Wind

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Hand up to God
I don’t want to believe
Whether or not
He’s looking down at me

Might be where I’ve been
Could be where I’m going

Nothing wiser than
The new wind that’s blowing

We all learn
How to seem sorry

I’m not really sure
If I’m supposed to be

Up to the north
Listening to the wild
A note on the air
Finds me like a child

That’s okay with me
I was good back then

Maybe I believed
Maybe I should again

We’re all damned
Or we ain’t
Ain’t we?

I don’t really know
How we’re meant to be

Making signs in the air
Proof that I believe

We’ve all learned
How to cope lately

I don’t really pray
Lord that’s not for me

Lord I’m not concerned
With what I’m meant to believe

Notes
It seems it’s time for another one of my ramblings on the subject of God and belief, of my history with it and my ambivalence toward it. I was raised a progressive kind of protestant by people who grew up in much more observant traditions. I’ve talked with both of my parents somewhat recently about their evolving relationship with belief, and now I find myself scratching at that question for myself again.

My religion was always so gentle in comparison to that of my parents’ youths, or at least in comparison to the way I’ve imagined it was for them. In light of that, it has always felt like such an overreaction to reject my faith. It never really wronged me. It was comfortable when I was a child, and it helped me through some tough moments when I was a younger man. Then I left it, and it didn’t really hurt.

Lately I feel a spiritual hum of some kind, and I think it’s easy to mistake it for the belief of my youth. I feel it when I hear the loon call. I feel it when my hand grazes the bark of a tree. Maybe it’s a connection to the Earth, or to nature. I feel it, and I get a little nervous because I don’t want to try to squeeze the sensation into any kind of dogma or code. But it’s almost a reflex to place it there, so I push back.

This is a funny song, because I’m talking directly to God and saying I don’t really pray. Of course this is a prayer of a kind. I’m telling my old God that I think I’ve found something new, even if I’m not sure what it is.

~M.E.

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